(chow)down - on Search for that Slice - Helen's Pizza

a Downtown Staple; 183 Newark Avenue

After tallying the suggestions of pizza shops worth a visit I realized a downtown staple was not once mentioned. Helen's Pizza, a long survivor of Newark Avenue's non-99¢ store curse, has been family owned and operated since 1968. I have a long history with Helen's Pizza as they delivered the slices used in my grammar school's Wednesday lunch. I was also in the same class as the owner's daughter and she was, from what memory serves me, my first crush. I'm saying this not only as some weird need for full disclosure, but I also think it's important to show the staying power of this family business. I can't deny that I have fond memories of Helen's slices, but my palette has certainly matured since my days as a careless prepubescent. (if on main page, click "read more" just below.)

Order up; Helen's Pizza

I prefer my slices plain so I brought along a carnivore and herbivore to cover all bases. We biked over on a quiet Monday evening at 8pm. I immediately noticed that the slices on display looked like they may have been hanging out for a while. While not immediately a deal breaker, I had a flash of blogger remorse. How could I write a bad review if warranted? Would there be repercussions? My mind was engulfed with images of my face plastered on papers like "wanted" signs; denying me entrance to local pizza shops. The young man requesting my order snapped me back to reality. I stuck with a plain, while the herbivore ordered a mushroom slice and a Valentino slice. The carnivore rounded out the order with a slice of pepperoni and sausage. 

Looks can be Deceiving

(the)Skinny

The good news is that Helen's continues to be my go-to spot when ordering a large pie with fresh garlic and onion. It's consistently delicious. The bad news is that this isn't a search for the best pie and these slices left little to rave about. All the slices, except for the Valentino, were seriously lacking sauce. That's a huge no-no in our book.  The sausage was incredibly dry, having obviously spent way too many minutes beneath the heat lamp. For the sake of childish homoeroticism, my friend repeatedly said that he's had much better sausage in his mouth. I don't doubt or question. His crust was incredibly hard so he refrained from biting into it. He then pointed out that he is without dental insurance. Welcome to the world of freelancing.

On the positive side, there were good amounts of cheese and meat, which would of worked if not so dry. My plain slice had a healthy amount of cheese but that could not help overcome its intense blah-ness. The dough was undercooked for my taste, as I prefer crispy over floppy. As for the herbivore she didn't fare much better. While thoroughly enjoying the pesto and tomato sauce that topped her slice of Valentino, the cheese and dough were once again dry and hard. Adding insult to injury the mushrooms were canned. I'm not sure if this is common practice but it should stop immediately. There is no reason to use canned mushrooms. Just saying. I should note that she compared the pesto to a "party in her mouth." Not bad. All in all it was a great time, minus the less than mediocre slices. While I'd like to say this was a case of bad timing, I also realize that having the best slice has nothing to do with timing. It should be consistently fresh, well made and damn delicious. So for these reasons my quest will continue.

Sausage/Pepperoni - F

Mushroom - F

Plain - C-

Valentino - C

We judged all slices, except the plain, by 5 categories: dough, sauce, cheese, freshness, and topping. The plain slice had 4 categories. We scored each category out of 100, then added up the final scores and divided, giving each slice a graded average. I then took that number and assigned it it's appropriate matching letter.